Do You Have These Marriage Skills?

September 07, 2025•3 min read

For 20 years of my marriage, I called my mom every morning. One day she said, “I wish we had been friends when I was newly married.”

That stuck with me. Because when we’re just starting out, we don’t just need advice—we need a friend who understands, who’s been there, and who can share what actually works.

When I was newly married, I knew family was important. But I was missing some skills. And without the right skills, even good advice like “love one another” or “forgive and forget” felt impossible to live out.

Here are five of the skills that have made the biggest difference in my marriage:

1. Relationships Are Thoughts, Not Actions

For years, I believed I loved Rory because of what he did for me. Nice words = love. Nice actions = love.

But then I learned: my relationship with Rory is created by my thoughts about him—not his actions. That means my peace and happiness come from what I choose to focus on and repeat in my mind. Game changer.

2. My Thoughts Are Optional

If Rory left socks on the floor, I used to think, “He shouldn’t do that.” It felt like a fact. I’d gather evidence, complain, and build a whole story.

But thoughts aren’t facts. I could just as easily think:

“I’m glad we have socks.”
“He left socks, and he also fed the dog and started my car.”

The socks weren’t the problem. My thoughts were.

3. Processing Emotions

I thought the goal was to be happy—me, my spouse, my kids. If disappointment came, I wanted to skip through it quickly.

But life is 50/50. Half positive, half negative. And learning to process emotions—to actually feel disappointment or sadness without pushing it away—changed everything.

There’s “clean pain” (like grieving a loss) and “dirty pain” (like spinning in blame and resentment). I used to live in dirty pain. Now I know how to feel the emotion, release it, and move forward.

4. Dropping the Manual

For a long time, I had an unspoken “manual” for Rory: he should be happy, helpful, in a good mood, and do things my way.

But that’s not love—that’s control.

Real love is unconditional. It’s dropping the manual, letting people be human, and choosing to love them anyway.

5. Coaching Makes It Stick

Reading about these tools helped me, but being coached on them is what truly changed me. Having someone help me see blind spots, question my thoughts, and practice new skills has been life-changing.

And that’s why I do what I do now.