Your Feelings Aren’t the Problem—Avoiding Them Is
If you’re here looking for a spark of encouragement, a fresh perspective, or a simple tool to help improve your marriage—you’re in the right place.
I’m so glad you’re part of this community. We’re a group of women doing the work—one day, one thought, one skill at a time—to build marriages that are strong, joyful, and deeply connected. The work we’re doing in our marriages is blessing every other relationship in our lives.
This week, I want to share something that changed everything for me—but I didn’t learn it until later in life.
As a coach, I’ve learned to believe deeply that the answers we’re looking for—yes, even the big ones—are already inside of us. Sometimes they come out in a whisper:
"Talk to her. Read that book. Try that idea."
Even when an outside source helps us, it was that inner voice that nudged us forward. So when you feel that whisper inside, trust it. That’s wisdom. That’s God working with you. The answer might come from the outside, but it started on the inside.
Here’s the catch:
To hear that inner voice, we need to calm our nervous system.
When our bodies are in fight-or-flight mode—panicked, hurt, scared—no amount of positive thinking will land. In that state, we react instead of respond. We put up walls instead of showing up open and connected.
That’s why today’s tool is so important:
Emotional processing.
Here’s the truth:
If we resist our emotions—if we avoid the pain, the embarrassment, the fear—we just push them down. But they don’t go away. They linger, and they often show up in our relationships as:
Defensiveness
Criticism
Silence
Shutdown
But when we’re brave enough to sit with our feelings, they pass. they flow, they teach.
The method I use is called RAIN.
It’s simple but powerful:
R – Recognize the emotion.
Name what’s coming up: I’m hurt. I feel rejected. I’m scared.
A – Allow the feeling to be there.
Don’t scroll past it. Don’t clean the house to avoid it. Let it be.
I – Investigate how it feels in your body.
Is it in your chest? Is it heavy or tight? Does it have a color? A vibration?
N – Nurture yourself.
Remind yourself: Of course I’m upset. That was hard. I’m human. It’s okay to feel this.
When you go through this process—especially in marriage—you allow yourself to respond from a place of clarity instead of chaos. You calm your nervous system. You open yourself to truth. And from that place, you can:
Have the conversations that matter
Show up with love instead of panic
Lead with power instead of fear
Feeling it all is the bravest thing you can do.
Here’s a practice I use:
I keep a jar and put in a bean every time I choose to feel instead of escape.
When I sit with boredom instead of grabbing a snack
When I feel the fear before tackling a hard task
When I process disappointment before trying to “fix” the situation with my husband
And one more thing I’ll remind you of again and again:
Don’t argue about the smoke. Talk about the fire.
Smoke is the little things—money, chores, scheduling
Fire is the core needs—I want to feel safe. I need to feel seen
We can only get to the fire when we’re willing to sit with the emotion underneath the smoke.
Society often tells us we’re supposed to be happy 100% of the time. But the truth is:
A full life is full of emotions.
Joy, grief, fear, excitement, frustration, peace, desire, regret—all of it.
If you’re not feeling deeply, chances are you’re not living fully.
So feel it, process it, let it pass through. And then respond with the strength and wisdom that’s always been inside you. You’ve got this. I’m so proud of you.
